Notes on the Fast

I mentioned to a (very patient, indulgent, non-judgmental) friend that I resent Tisha B'Av. I resent mourning the destruction of a Temple that, while I pray daily that it will be rebuilt, is very far removed from my life. I resent the restrictions of the Three Weeks. Of the Nine Days. I resent Kinot, written in obscure poetic arcane Hebrew. (This year I didn't stick around for many of them, which probably contributed heavily to my better frame of mind and more meaningful fast. I was pleased however, to manage through Eli Tzion.)

A few things however, contributed heavily to a successful and meaningful fast:

(1) I felt lightheaded for a few hours on the 8th of Av. Concerned that I wouldn't manage even to fast, I drank a lot of water on the 8th of Av. So much so that I thought I would burst. Normally, I drink enough to feel "full" but not more than that. Lesson: Prefast, drink as much water as you think you can. Then drink some more. The result was that the fast, while not what one could describe as "pleasant" was entirely tolerable. There was no last minute countdown to eat, and I took the time to prepare a hot meal instead of wolfing down the first thing I could find.

(2) The aforementioned cutting of kinot. I stayed last night for them, but where I davened we only recited 3 or 4, concluding with Eli Tzion. This morning, I stuck it out through one of them (Lekha Hashem Hatzedaka) and was then promptly lost. I gave up and left, went home, sat on the floor, and thought. I recited the other two kinot that mean anything at all to me (eish tukad and eli tzion) and to begin to reflect less on the pshat meaning of Tisha B'Av, i.e. the churban, and more on the social failures that caused it.

(3) Finally recognizing that for the sake of my own sanity, I cannot sink into the depths of grief for Tisha B'Av. It's just not healthy for me. I can mourn. I can go to Eikhah. I can sit on the floor. But if I slip too far, it takes me at least a few days to pull myself out.

(4) The creation of time to simply sit and think; to let my mind wander; to think about why I was fasting, about the onset of the season for teshuvah, how to pick ourselves up from this depth and resume nationhood.

I feel marginally guilty about (3). Tisha B'Av is the national day of hopelessness, the day that God has turned away from us, and no plea will turn Him back. I "should" mourn more.

After I got to (4) however, I began to think seriously about sinat chinam (causeless hatred) and its past and continued role in human strife. And that is as worthy a cause to fast for as any. (Possibly more on this later, but I am a sporadic poster.)