Gefilte Mermaid

Nifty halakha

2008-01-26T22:09:00.000-05:00

From Mishneh Torah, Hilkhot Issurei Biah, 1:18

א,יח וכן השוכב עם בהמה בשגגה, והאישה שהביאה את הבהמה עליה בשגגה--אין הבהמה נסקלת על ידן, ואף על פי שהן גדולים.

Roughly:

One who lies with a beast accidentally, and a woman who lies with a beast accidentally -- the beast is not stoned[, even if they were adults?]

So, this begs the question: How does one "accidentally" have sex with an animal?

Notes on the Fast

2007-07-24T21:43:00.000-04:00

I mentioned to a (very patient, indulgent, non-judgmental) friend that I resent Tisha B'Av. I resent mourning the destruction of a Temple that, while I pray daily that it will be rebuilt, is very far removed from my life. I resent the restrictions of the Three Weeks. Of the Nine Days. I resent Kinot, written in obscure poetic arcane Hebrew. (This year I didn't stick around for many of them, which probably contributed heavily to my better frame of mind and more meaningful fast. I was pleased however, to manage through Eli Tzion.)

A few things however, contributed heavily to a successful and meaningful fast:

(1) I felt lightheaded for a few hours on the 8th of Av. Concerned that I wouldn't manage even to fast, I drank a lot of water on the 8th of Av. So much so that I thought I would burst. Normally, I drink enough to feel "full" but not more than that. Lesson: Prefast, drink as much water as you think you can. Then drink some more. The result was that the fast, while not what one could describe as "pleasant" was entirely tolerable. There was no last minute countdown to eat, and I took the time to prepare a hot meal instead of wolfing down the first thing I could find.

(2) The aforementioned cutting of kinot. I stayed last night for them, but where I davened we only recited 3 or 4, concluding with Eli Tzion. This morning, I stuck it out through one of them (Lekha Hashem Hatzedaka) and was then promptly lost. I gave up and left, went home, sat on the floor, and thought. I recited the other two kinot that mean anything at all to me (eish tukad and eli tzion) and to begin to reflect less on the pshat meaning of Tisha B'Av, i.e. the churban, and more on the social failures that caused it.

(3) Finally recognizing that for the sake of my own sanity, I cannot sink into the depths of grief for Tisha B'Av. It's just not healthy for me. I can mourn. I can go to Eikhah. I can sit on the floor. But if I slip too far, it takes me at least a few days to pull myself out.

(4) The creation of time to simply sit and think; to let my mind wander; to think about why I was fasting, about the onset of the season for teshuvah, how to pick ourselves up from this depth and resume nationhood.

I feel marginally guilty about (3). Tisha B'Av is the national day of hopelessness, the day that God has turned away from us, and no plea will turn Him back. I "should" mourn more.

After I got to (4) however, I began to think seriously about sinat chinam (causeless hatred) and its past and continued role in human strife. And that is as worthy a cause to fast for as any. (Possibly more on this later, but I am a sporadic poster.)

Tzniut Meme from Abacaxi Mamao

2007-06-24T00:37:00.000-04:00

Abacaxi Mamao tagged me with a meme. Here goes nothing.

Regarding sleeves, collars, and skirt-length/shorts/pants, do you dress the same way you did when you were five? Fifteen?

If you dress differently now, why?

As a child, how, if at all, were you taught about tsniut in the home and/or school? What were the rules? How were they presented?

How does your dress differ from your mother's in terms of tsniut (not, say, fashion sensibility)? From your grandmothers'? From your sister's or sisters'?

Do you dress differently inside your home and outside your home, regardless of who is present?

Do you dress differently depending on where you are or what you're doing? Is this for halachic or social reasons?

If I am attending an event with a known social/halakhic norm for women's attire, I will stick to that norm for the sake of social conformity (and not traumatizing anyone) even if I believe it is not halakhically required. (social)
I don't wear pants to shul at all, or if I do they are under a skirt that comes to my knees or further. (halakhic)
For shabbat and yom tov, I cover my elbows in shul, but wear short sleeves anywhere else. (social)
I wear a skirt on a first (and usually on a second) date. (social)
I cover my knees in front of men (halakhic)
I cover my arms to halfway between my shoulder and elbow in front of men. (halakhic)

Do you dress differently if you are in a mixed (men and women) setting versus a women-only setting?

How do you define tsniut as a halachic concept, either as it currently stands socially or in some halachic vacuum?

If you had full freedom to rewrite halacha, what would you do with tsniut?

To what extent do your decisions about dress and/or head covering reflect:
social reality of your Jewish community? (i.e., wanting to fit in, or, alternatively, not wanting to fit in)

an immutable halachic code?

personal physical comfort?

feelings that people should focus more on your mind/actions than your body?

How would you rank the importance of following communal and/or halachic standards with regard to Shabbat, kashrut, and tsniut? (I'm not discussing nidah/negiah now, which is usually the third after Shabbat and kashrut.) Do they hold equal weight in your mind?

even if I only ever served meat to any guests.

lot

אמר רב פפא שמע מינה מכנסים אסורים

How important is the idea of "בגד איש" to you in determining your dress?

How important are the ideas of "שוק באשה ערוה" and "טפח באשה ערוה" (see Brachot 24a) to you in determining your dress?

א"ר יצחק טפח באשה ערוה למאי אילימא לאסתכולי בה והא א"ר ששת למה מנה הכתוב תכשיטין שבחוץ עם תכשיטין שבפנים לומר לך כל המסתכל באצבע קטנה של אשה כאילו מסתכל במקום התורף אלא באשתו ולק"ש

If you say

If you are married or otherwise in an exclusive relationship, to what extent does your partner influence your dress decisions, tsniut-related or otherwise?

If you are dating, to what extent does your date influence your dress decisions, tsniut-related or otherwise?

How, if at all, do your feelings about your body influence the way you dress?

Do you enjoy buying clothing for yourself?

Do you think that looking attractive and being tsniusdic (either halachically or socially defined) are mutually exclusive or mutually inclusive? Do you think that looking sexy and being tsniusdic (either halachically or socially defined) are mutually inclusive or mutually exclusive?

What, if any, do you feel are positive results of tsniut? What, if any, do you feel are negative results?

Math Problem

2007-06-03T10:13:00.000-04:00

From a blog whose name I have now forgotten, a math problem from a shabbos table:

Show that if p is a prime greater than or equal to 7 then p^4 - 1 is divisible by 240.

If p is a prime >= 7, then p is odd, therefore p = 2k+ 1 for some integer k >= 3. Thus,

p^4 - 1 = (p + 1)(p - 1)(p^2 + 1)
= (2k + 2)(2k)(4k^2 + 4k + 2)
= 8(k + 1)(k)(2k^2 + 2k + 1)

Since 240 = 8 * 2 * 3 * 5, it is now (necessary and) sufficient to show that (k + 1)(k)(2k^2 + 2k + 1) is divisible by 2 * 3 * 5.

(1) (k + 1)(k)(2k^2 + 2k + 1) is divisible by 2 since either k is even or k + 1 is even.

(2) (k + 1)(k)(2k^2 + 2k + 1) is divisible by 3 since one of

(a) k mod 3 = 0
(b) k mod 3 = 2 so that k + 1 mod 3 = 0

k mod 3 = 1 is impossible since if so then p = 2*(3m + 1) + 1 = 6m + 3 for some positive integer m and then p is not prime, contradicting our assumption.

(3) (k + 1)(k)(2k^2 + 2k + 1) is divisible by 5 since one of

(a) k mod 5 = 0
(b) k mod 5 = 4 so that k + 1 mod 5 = 0
(c) k mod 5 = 1, 2 or 3, so that 2k^2 + 2k + 1 mod 5 = 0.

Ta da! I'm sure there are more elegant solutions out there; feel free to offer one.

The power of psak

2007-05-28T08:14:00.000-04:00

For a variety of reasons, it has become apparent to me that I need to learn at a minimum, hilkhot shabbat and hilkhot kashrut sooner rather than later. In general, I am a big fan of knowing halakha, rather than having to ask a rabbi every last little detail. To know halakha is to take responsiblity for one's mitzvah observance and the relationship between oneself and God as defined by mitzvah observance.

That said, it emerges that there is actually a great deal of power to be had by abdicating the responsibility to know the halakha and simply asking one's rabbi, since psak is binding and there ceases to be any question about the permissibility of a given course of action.

James Bond and Jewish dating

2007-05-20T15:58:00.000-04:00

I don't write much. This dearth of composition is largely due to a tendency to reread what I have written, decide that I don't like it, and then delete it. I'm not sure why I am so concerned about being judged in this forum considering that (1) it is semi-anonymous and (2) I control the (as yet non-existent) comments. Therefore, my goal is to write here a frivolous post, to force myself past this (irrational) fear of judgment.

Why does James Bond get so many women (a new one every movie, lucky man)? And I do mean "get". Despite his sweet words and seductive smile, he's a serial lover and leaver. As much as I hate to admit it, I would go to dinner with James Bond. (That's it James, dinner. I'm a nice frum girl.) In an instant. He's dashing, charming, romantic. The list continues. James Bond is the encapsulation of the ultimate fantasy -- a person who gets everything right without the need for actual communication. He always knows what to wear, what to say, how to look at a woman to melt her heart.

Many observant singles (and singles of other walks of life) unrealistically cling to this image as some sort of ideal way to start (and God help us continue) a relationship. They forego early communication due to nerves, procrastination, denial...

Communication is decidely not dashing or charming or romantic. But it is necessary. In the event that I at some point marry, I imagine that marriage is not a very romantic thing either.

So Bond, as dashing as you are, it's time to give you up. And it's time to communicate, as scary as that might be.

Sephardi Cantillation

2006-12-03T11:56:00.000-05:00

Sephardi cantillation in Western notation

Chicago

2006-11-30T20:04:00.000-05:00

Chicago was so lovely. I arrived there on Monday morning, dropped my stuff off at the hostel where I stayed and then zipped downtown. I spent the rest of the day traipsing about downtown. I first ate lunch by Lake Michigan. The lake is so blue. (The Chicago River, by contrast, bears an uncanny resemblance to the Hudson in color, albeit not in size.) Then I walked back towards the city and wandered down the Magnificent Mile, a mile or so of stores and hotels. At this point, I was exhausted from having gotten up so early, so I zipped back to the hostel and conked out almost immediately.

I got up bright and early Tuesday morning and went down to The Art Institute of Chicago. This museum alone is worth the trip to Chicago. It is full of beautiful paintings, jade and porcelain from bygone days. I sought to acquire prints of a number of works, chief among them Dali's Visions of Eternity but apparently none of the works I liked were popular enough to warrant sale in poster form to the unwashed masses.

I generally go to art museums to feel cultured, not because I especially get anything out of them. At first, The Art Institute of Chicago was no different. As I approached the modern art section, I very nearly skipped it since I never find such work accessible in the least. However, a voice rose up in my head from the professors who taught and invited me to take a modern chamber performance music class, telling me that part of understanding art is opening up one's mind to it. It was the best class of my undergraduacy. As such, I entered those wings and was pleasantly surprised to discover the art of Mel Bochner. It's the work of a mathematician bored with empty abstraction of it all. I climbed the stairs at the end of the wing. The next level was 'modern' but much darker, peculiarly evocative of death. As I turned another corner, there was a lovely explanatory museum paragraph about the popular surrealist game "The Exquisite Corpse".

Tuesday night I heard Mahler's 7th Symphony played by the CSO. There is something about listening to excellent concerts that makes me wonder what life would be like if I had pursued music performance as a career.

Wednesday I went to the Museum of Science and Industry. I went there once at the age of 10 or so, and my memory definitely exceeded the experience. It was a bit young for me, and heavily populated by small children. The exhibits didn't provoke much thinking on my part, but the information contained in them was mostly accurate. (There were some that were outdated.) The more adult exhibits were quite good. There was a series of photographs/posters about how and how much people around the world eat. It had pictures of families with all the food they would eat in one week. The Western families looked so gluttonous. I had root beer, carrots, and chocolate chip granola bars for lunch. Also of note, the U-505 exhibit was quite well put together. (The U-505 was a German U-boat that the US captured in 1944, providing valuable intelligence to the Allies.) It struck me that there is no moral high ground any more. World War II was the last great moral stand. We were a country of heroes, and a world of heroes. Do we have heroes now?

I wanted to go to a restaurant on Wednesday night for dinner. I found one. I was determined. However, when I got off the train it was dark and rainy and some hard-wired evolutionary rule stating that not wandering about in the dark in an unfamiliar section of an unfamiliar city is more important than determination or a desire for meat. Chicago needs a kosher restaurant downtown. A cheap one. Like Mama's Vegetarian in Philly.

The EL is an amazing feat of engineering.

I left at the crack of dawn this morning and am home now.

Rashi (Bereshit 1:1)

2006-10-10T22:01:00.000-04:00

בראשית א:א

בְּרֵאשִית בָּרָא אֱלֹקִים אֵת הַשָּמַיִם וְאֵת הָאָרֶץ

In the beginning of... God created the heavens and the land.

[Rashi is famous for his modest choice of opening by quoting a midrash from Yalqut Shim`oni, rather than beginning with his own opinion(s).]

בְּרֶאשִית: אָמַר רַבִּי יִצְחָק לֹא הָיָה צָרִיךְ הַתּוֹרָה אֶלָּא מֵהַחֹדֶש הַזֶּה לָכֶם שֶהִיא מִצְוָה רִאשוֹנָה שֶנִצְטַוּוּ בָהּ יִשׂרָאֵל

Rabbi Isaac said 'It was not necessary to begin the Torah except from 'This month is for you...' since that was the first mitzvoh that was commanded on Israel.

וּמַה טַעַם פָּתַח בִּבְרֶאשִית

And what is the reason it opens with 'In the beginning of...'?

[Now it is clear why Rashi opened with the quote. According to Rabbi Isaac, we don't have to begin the Torah until Israel starts receiving law as a nation. Therefore, it is necessary to ask why we started here.]

מִשוּם: כֹּחַ מַעֲשָׂיו לְעַמּוֹ לָתֵת לָכֶם נַחֲלַת גוֹיִם

Because 'Strength of His deeds in for his people, to give to you an inheritance of nations.' [Psalms 111:6.]

שֶאִם יֹאמְרוּ אוּמוֹת הָעוֹלָם לֹיִשְׂרָאֵל: לִסְטִים אַתֶּם שֶכְּבַשְתֶּם אַרְצוֹת שִבְעָה גוֹיִם, הֵם אוֹמְרִים לָהֶם: כָּל הָאָרֶץ שֶל הַקָּדוֹש בָּרוּךְ הוּא היִא. הוּא בְרָאָהּ, וּנְתָנָהּ לַאֲשֶר יָשַר בְּעֵינָיו. בִּרְצוֹנוֹ נְטָלָהּ מֵהֶם וּנְתָנָּהּ לָנוּ

That if the nations of the world will say to Israel: 'You are thieves, that you conquered the lands of the seven nations (of Canaan)' they will say to them 'All the land belongs to the Holy One, Blessed Be He. He created it, and gives it to those who are upright in his eyes. In His will he gave it to them, and in His will he took it from them and gave it to us.'

Sukkot

2006-10-08T19:43:00.000-04:00

`Hag was lovely. The significant other of a friend was in town, and he, and I, and a Columbia undergrad found ourselves at the Bayit sukkah for second night dinner, and for once, I was zoche to talk math at a meal. The S.O. of the friend also pointed me to the song that I dream my bashert will sing to me right before he asks me to marry him. I'll prepare an annotated version, I hope.

Goldilocks and the Three Bears

2006-09-28T21:31:00.000-04:00

Once upon a time there were three bears, Daddy Bear, Mommy Bear, and Baby Bear. They lived in a small enclave of bears, and loved above all else porridge, sleep and walks in the woods. One day while they were out walking in the woods, a little girl named Goldilocks entered their cottage and ate all the porridge and fell asleep there. Returning home, the bears were hungry. Lacking porridge, they dismembered Goldilocks and devoured her on the spot. She was so tender and delicious that from that day forth they ceased eating porridge and dined exclusively on the flesh of young virgin girls.

Snow White

2006-09-18T21:29:00.000-04:00

Once upon a time there were a king and queen who lived in a fine palace with everything they wanted in life, except a child. One day, the queen was thrilled to realize that she was with child, and the overjoyed couple welcomed Rivke bas Elkanah veChanah into the world about 8 months later. Alas, childbirth weakened the queen, and she was niftar before the child was even a year old.

The king was consumed with grief, but strove mightily to bring Rivke up to be the bas Torah that he and his wife had envisioned. She was a bright, sweet child, and she and her father were `osqim batorah and her progress was quite rapid.

When Rivke was six, her father met an eishes chayil from the next kingdom over, and they were wed. Unfortunately, the new queen had a hidden jealous streak, and when she saw how tznius and makpid Rivke was, her heart was consumed with fear that the girl should overtake her in learning and in mitzvos. However, the queen had a magic seifer that she consulted each morning

'Seifer seifer on the shtender!
Who's the Torah's best defender?'

And each day the seifer reassured her:

'You are the Torah's best defender.'

Still, the queen's insecure heart gnawed at her, and though she desperately wanted to have Rivke murdered in the middle of nowhere, but closer to the adjacent kingdom's borders, she knew that if she did so the magic seifer would cease to assure her of her frumkeit. Therefore, she arranged a marriage for Rivke to a nice enough boy, but not a talmid chacham in the least and far enough away that the king wouldn't retrieve the girl. The king and queen lost all track of her.

Then one day it emerged that the local sho`het was in fact selling treif chicken to all the families in the kingdom. Instead of accepting responsibility for their role in the mess, the rabbeim who hadn't supervised him immediately proclaimed a fast across the kingdom, and demanded kashering and replacement of all dishes that might have been touched by the chicken of doom. The queen, eager to be seen by her subjects (and the seifer) as frum, and sure that Rivke and her husband could not afford to follow her act, immediately replaced all the dishes in the castle and began a great fast.

Rivke's husband was horrified by the apparent imminent expense, since they could ill afford to replace the dishes in the cottage. However, Rivke had diligently toiled in the beis midrash every evening after work since their marriage. Calmly, she reassured her husband that they need neither fast nor kasher dishes, nor replace any of them.

The next day the queen got up and said:

'Seifer seifer on the shtender!
Who's the Toiroh's best defender?'

Unexpectedly, the seifer replied:

'Your emunah is misaligned
Rivke's frumkeit is divine.'

Furious, the queen hunted down the rabbeim and the sho`het and had them exiled to the Gobi Desert. Rivke and her husband learned happily ever after.

Glossary:

bas Torah - Nice Frum Girl
beis midrash - house of study
eishes chayil - woman of valor
emunah - faith
frum - observant Jewish
frumkeit -- general state and style of Jewish religious observance
kasher - to make kosher
kosher - fit for Jewish religious use
`osqim batorah - people engrossed in (learning) Torah (sing masc `oseiq battoiroh fem `oseqes battoiroh)
makpid - concerned (with mitzvois)
mitzvos -- commandments
Niftar - 'Was exempted' -- passed away
Rabbeim - plural of rabbi (teacher)
Seifer - book, here implicitly a Jewish religious one
sho`het - butcher (does kosher meat)
Shtender - book stand that props a seifer at a good angle for learning
talmid chacham - student of a wise person
Torah - Torah (Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy)
treif - food that is not kosher
tznius - modest

Rapunzel

2006-04-02T23:13:00.000-04:00

Once upon a time there was a poor farmer and his wife who lived in a little hut at the edge of the shtetl. Despite their poverty, they lived happy lives, except that they were childless. However, the farmer davened and davened and one day they found that they would soon have a daughter.

Next to the couple's little cottage there was a fine magnificent home in which lived a talmidat hakham, who was regarded with some suspicion by the other talmidim of the shtetl since she was a woman. Next to the home was a fine magnificent garden with some fine magnificent rampion. One night, the farmer's wife was seized with a terrible desire for rampion salad. Her distress was so severe that the farmer crept into the neighboring garden to fetch his wife some rampion. The talmidat hakham was horrified when she saw him and cried out: !לא תגנב If only you had asked me, I would gladly have given it to you! Horrified, the poor farmer asked how he could do teshuvah. Seeing a perfect opportunity to expand the ranks of talmidot hakham, she said that she would grant mechilah if the farmer would send his daughter to learn with her. The farmer gratefully agreed.

Not long after, the couple had a daughter, Chava, and when she reached the age of chinuch, the farmer sent her to learn with the talmidat hakham. Chava proved extremely bright, and before long, she and the talmidat hakham opened a girl's yeshivah in the shtetl. There, Chava shut herself in a high tower so that she could better focus on her learning. One day, she chanced to see her bashert from the tower, and she called after him to invite him for shabbos. Horrified, the bashert called back אל תרבה שיחה עם האשה and ran away. So Chava lived the rest of her life learning 17 hours a day.

Glossary:

Shtetl -- village, where Jews live
Davened -- prayed
Talmidat hakham -- (feminine) A student of a wise person
לא תגנב -- (Lo Signov) Thou shalt not steal (Exodus)
Teshuvah -- Repentance/making amends
Mechilah -- forgiveness
Chinuch -- education
Yeshivah -- place in which one studies Torah
Bashert -- one's fated spouse
Shabbos -- Jewish Sabbath
אל תרבה שיחה עם האשה -- (Al tarbeh sichah im haishah) Don't engage in idle conversation with women (Eruvin 53b)
'Learning' -- studying something Torah related

Sleeping Beauty

2006-03-18T19:17:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time there lived a king and queen. All was bright in their lives except they had no children. So the king davened and davened and the queen wept and joy of joys, the davenen and the crying went up to shomayim and the couple had a beautiful daughter. The next shabbos they named her Shoshana Makabeya and made a big kiddush at the castle and almost everyone in the realm was invited.

Alas for their daughter, they did not invite the fairies, since such nonsense was assur d'oraisa. Nonetheless, the fairies came unbidden. Citing Vayiqra 22:17: You shall not let a sorceress live, the king and queen killed the fairies as fast as they could. Enraged, the evil fairy descended upon the castle to avenge her fallen comrades and pronounced a terrible curse upon Shoshana Makabeya: On her 15th birthday, she will prick her finger on a spindle and die. Grief-stricken, the king and queen failed to stop a final heathen magic-working party-crasher from making an appearance on the scene. This fairy gasped at all the carnage and addressed the dumbstruck crowd: I cannot remove the curse, but I can soften it. Shoshana Makabeya will not die; she will merely sleep for 100 years, after which she will be awakened by a kiss from her bashert. Then the last fairy ran away, lest the king and queen come to their senses and kill her too.

The king and queen were at a loss. They had never dreamed that halakhic adherence could produce such dreadful results. They determined to shelter Shoshana Makabeya from any and all knowledge that could possibly have protected her and decreed that all spindles should be burned within the year. The people of the realm complied and thus it was that at the mature age of 14 years and 364 days, Shoshana Makabeya was going on shiddukh dates without the slightest clue of how to spin thread to sew the clothes of her future husband.

On her fifteenth birthday, the king and queen threw a grand party in their daughter's honor. Her naivete concerning the curse placed on her from birth made the evil fairy's mission entirely too easy. When the crowd dispersed to play a merry game of hide and go seek, the evil fairy planted herself and a spindle in the top-most tower of the castle and waited. Inevitably, Shoshana Makabeya slipped up to the tower. She of course had never seen a spindle and was instantly intrigued by the fairy's tools and asked if she might try. Lo! She pricked her finger and fell into a deep sleep. The evil fairy promptly vanished and the good fairy promptly appeared. The good fairy cast a state of suspended animation over the entire kingdom so that 100 years hence when the bashert would presumably arrive to wake the princess, her parents would be around to enjoy the simcha.

About 35,964 days later, the bashert was preparing for his departure to rescue the princess. Unfortunately for Shoshana Makabeya, the bashert's rav poskened that it was assur to kiss her, and it was assur to be in the tower in the first place because of yihud. So the bashert settled down with some other nice Jewish girl, leaving Shoshana Makabeya, her parents and the citizens of the realm to sleep happily ever after.

Edit: Here's a glossary. Please don't take this as totally authoritative.

Assur: (adj) Forbidden
Assur d'oraisa: (adj) Forbidden in Torah law (a branch of Jewish law, the other being rabbinic law)
Bashert: Soulmate
Daven: (v.i.) Pray
Davenen: (n) Prayer, praying
Halakhic: (adj): Having to do with Jewish law
Kiddush: (n) Snack hour after davenen on shabbos
Posken: (v.i.) Issue a halakhic ruling
Rav: (n) Rabbi
Shabbos: (n) Sabbath
Shiddukh Date: (n) The occasion you meet a person before the occasion on which you decide whether to get married to the person
Shomayim: (n) Heaven(s)
Shoshana Makabeya: (n) Rosie the Riveter
Simcha: (n) Celebration. Weddings, Bar Mitzvahs....
Yihud: (n) People who should not be alone together being alone together

Story

2005-12-04T21:49:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time there was a little girl who led a meek and mild life. When she came of age and prepared to go out into the wide world, her mother said to her 'My dear daughter, now a young woman, once a little girl, I am so very proud of you that you are going out to make a life for yourself in the wide world. Now as you go about your life, always remember to measure twice and cut once.' The young woman then went about her way, and one day, she grew arrogant, and she measured only once. Sure enough, she erred, and had to mend her ways.

Not so many years later, the young woman had a little girl who led a meek and mild life. When she came of age and prepared to go out into the wide world, her mother said to her 'My dear daughter, now a young woman, once a little girl, I am so very proud of you that you are going out to make a life for yourself in the wide world. Now as you go about your life, always remember to measure twice and cut once. My wise mother gave me this advice, but I grew arrogant and had to mend my ways.' The young woman then went about her way, and one day, she grew arrogant, and she measured only once. Sure enough, she erred, and had to mend her ways.

Not so many years later, the young woman had a little girl who led a meek and mild life. When she came of age and prepared to go out into the wide world, her mother said to her 'My dear daughter, now a young woman, once a little girl, I am so very proud of you that you are going out to make a life for yourself in the wide world. Now as you go about your life, always remember to measure twice and cut once. My wise grandmother gave my wise mother who gave this advice, but I grew arrogant and had to mend my ways.' The young woman then went about her way, and one day, she grew arrogant, and she measured only once. Sure enough, she erred, and had to mend her ways.

Not so many years later, the young woman had a little girl who led a meek and mild life. When she came of age and prepared to go out into the wide world, her mother said to her 'My dear daughter, now a young woman, once a little girl, I am so very proud of you that you are going out to make a life for yourself in the wide world. Now as you go about your life, always remember to measure twice and cut once. My wise great-grandmother gave my wise grandmother gave my wise mother who gave this advice, but I grew arrogant and had to mend my ways.' The young woman then went about her way, and never grew arrogant. One day as she was wisely measuring twice, a piano fell on her head and crushed her.

Timmy

2004-12-13T12:48:00.000-05:00

Thrice upon a time, there was a little second-grade boy named Timmy. All in all, second grade was a fine experience, replete with the usual second-grade lessons and after school there was plenty of playing outside. But alas, a cloud clouded Timmy's otherwise idyllic life. Each night, after his parents read him a story, kissed him good night, and that they would see him in the morning, a monster of untold fearsomeness spontaneously generated underneath his bed. Finally, unable to stand the mental anguish of wondering whether his parents would see him in the morning, or his masticated remains, he mentioned the problem to his parents. His parents assured him there was no monster, and to reassure him, they looked beneath the bed as part of the bedtime routine. While Timmy had to admit they never found the monster, he couldn't shake the feeling that there was a monster. When he reiterated his concerns, his parents determined to stay with him after they turned out the lights, to show him that everything was truly fine, as they had promised. That night, as soon as Timmy sensed the presence of the monster, he started to cry and his parents hastened to look under the bed. Then the monster ate them both, and Timmy too.

Little Maroon Riding-Hood

2004-08-10T01:39:00.000-04:00

Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Rivke, whom everyone called Maroon-Riding-Hood, since everywhere she went she wore a beautiful hood of rich maroon. Everyone said she was a wonderful girl, so good, so smart, so talented, so modest, indeed a girl of valor. Across the street from Maroon-Riding-Hood lived another little girl who was known to the village as Red-Riding-Hood, since everywhere she went she wore a beautiful hood of bright red. Everyone said Red-Riding-Hood was a wonderful girl, so good, so smart, so talented, indeed a girl of valor.

As Maroon-Riding-Hood neared the age at which girls of valor become women of valor, the local shadchan became the person who remarked most frequently on Maroon-Riding-Hood's valorous traits. Said shadchan was firmly convinced that Maroon-Riding-Hood would indeed make a not just a valorous woman, but a valorous wife. Specifically, Moishe, the rabbi's son, wanted to go on a shidduch with her. And Moishe was so learned, such a talmid chacham - what could be wrong with this plan?

Alas, there was a problem with the plan! Having reached the age at which girls of valor become exquisitely self-conscious, Maroon-Riding-Hood was too shy to speak much with anyone, especially Moishe. Red-Riding-Hood, for whatever reason, suffered none of these difficulties. Observing the situation, Maroon-Riding-Hood begged her mother "Please, oh please make me a red hood! Red is a much prettier color than maroon, and it will make me more noticeable. If more people notice me, more people will talk to me, I'll have to become more outgoing. Then I'll be able to meet someone and fall in love. Then I will marry, and my children will give you all the naches you want!" Full of the wisdom of many years, Maroon-Riding-Hood's mother replied "Oy, already you want to dress like a harlot! Moishe loves maroon."

The next day, Maroon-Riding-Hood and Red-Riding-Hood were sent through the woods to visit a friend in a neighboring village. Their respective mothers cautioned them not to get distracted, just to go straight to see the friend, and then come straight back. Thus Maroon-Riding-Hood and Red-Riding-Hood set out together. Sure enough, a wolf emerged from the woods. Maroon's hood blended in with the dark hues of the forest, but Red's hood and person were immediately apparent and the wolf devoured her on the spot. Horrified, Maroon-Riding-Hood ran home, and said "Mama! Now I understand why modest girls don't wear red. Beauty comes from within a person. I am already beautiful -- I don't need a red hood." Thereafter Maroon-Riding-Hood was pleased to be her modest self, outgrew her adolescent anxiety, married Moishe, and they lived happily ever after.

Quiz

2004-06-29T15:26:00.000-04:00

No, not that kind.

Kudos to a Philly friend (name withheld to protect the innocent) for telling me about these quizzes:

http://www.tolerance.org/hidden_bias/index.html

You can test your hidden biases about many things (although which things are chosen at random) such as how one feels about racial differences, or how one feels about apples versus candy bars.

So far, these quizzes have revealed that I am a pretty neutral person, i.e. the Amherst Political Correctness machine worked on me.

Poetry

2004-03-12T01:27:00.000-05:00

Limerick

My sanity recently fled
And as it departed is said:
My dear, it's been real
But you'll find that you'll feel
Much better without me in your head.

Other thing
If could write a sonnet
I'd write one just for you.
But sonnets pose a challenge
And I'm too lazy for haiku.

The limerick is tried and true;
I've used it oft before.
But now it seems passe and I,
I find it now a bore.

This leaves my life to tell, or hide
Quite deeply I could delve.
Instead, here are some empty words
Arranged in verses twelve.

Yet another thing
A bear attacked the other day.
He gnashed his teeth.
I ran away.

He pursued.
His jaws went crunch.
I think that I
Am now his lunch.

Welcome

2004-03-11T22:01:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the blog.